ƒø® πø øπ∑

I think Aimee might be the only person who is still on Livejournal besides me. So dear Aimee...

2009-12-15T22:47:01Z

It is a chilly winter day here in Chicago. It is around 17 degrees F (that's -8 degrees C) but sadly all the snow melted yesterday. I love to hear the crunch of the snow under my boots. I find myself in a very strange place emotionally. There have been some big changes and now, after getting settled, I can try to piece it all together. I thought writing it out may help.

In the beginning of October, things were going very smoothly. I was making friends at work, Max and I were getting along, and I was making a decent amount of money. I had just received a paycheck and found a $150 bonus on it. Yay! I asked Max if he wanted to go out to dinner with me to celebrate. He said no, and instead suggested that we just hang out that night. I liked that idea and was feeling pretty good all day. I was starting to think seriously about us and for once thinking about the future (and not when I was going to get out of the relationship.) When I got home, he seemed to be annoyed with me. We watched a movie, then he just walked away and went downstairs and shut his door. I was pretty hurt, but by that time he was doing that a lot. I was kind of used to it. The next day he asked me what was wrong (I was still kind of upset) and I told him. This started a huge fight (which I don't normally have and am pretty bad at.) He said he wanted to take a break. I started crying. I ran out the door to go to work. It was bad.

A few nights later I have friends from work over. We are drinking and laughing and having a good time and I'm starting to feel better and am trying to move on. All of a sudden, Max comes storming up the stairs and gets upset with me for being happy after we broke up. I kind of stood there, not really sure how to respond. Was I supposed to be so miserable that I couldn't laugh and have fun? He suggests we get back together, and I say OK. But as a few days pass, I don't feel like being around him. I'm getting angrier and angrier. Who is he to dictate how this will all work? Why does he keep playing with my emotions like this? I'm a human being, damn it. I deserve at least some respect in my own home. And it occurs to me that he keeps treating me like this because I let him. Max gets to dump me whenever he's not happy in our relationship, but he also gets to decide when to take me back, when I've become attractive to him again. And he's going to keep doing it.

So I finally decide to end the whole thing. I say that I want to break up and that I'm moving out. It is time for me to finally do something for myself. I need to get into school, and I can't do that living in a party house. All my roommates of course misunderstand me. They are Max's friends, so naturally I'm the one that is out of line. They may or may not know that at this point Max is sending me non-stop texts and emails, telling me how horrible I am for not giving our relationship a chance. And when we see each other, he's stone cold to me. This only strengthens my resolve and my brain is all of a sudden taken over by emotions. Mostly anger...

"I didn't give this a chance? I stood by you during your mood swings, your breaks, your confessions of love to your ex, your rejections!" And I start thinking back to my last year of school. When he just stopped picking up my calls. When he slept with me while he was seeing someone else. My heart was so broken I didn't think I would ever get over it. And I was so alone during that time. All I wanted was a friend, and he couldn't even do that for me. Then I leave everything behind and help him and his friends start a theater. I spend money, time, and effort on something for someone else. None of it was even remotely for me. "I'M NOT THE FUCKING SELFISH ONE HERE!"

And now I am furious. But that's only when I'm alone. When I see him, it completely changes. I want to hold him and kiss him and just be with him. My heart breaks for him every time I see him and he turns away from me. So then I start thinking that maybe when I move out, things between us will be better. Maybe we can work it out! I try to keep him talking to me, try to show that I don't want it to be over for good. But then the fights start. Every conversation we have turns into a fight. I'm still horrible and selfish and emotionless and just generally a bitch. So when I finally leave, I'm just relieved for the peace and quiet.

Eventually, I get to Lincoln Square. I'm so far away from Logan Square that I can finally breathe. But I start to miss him. I come up with the dumbest excuses to try to see him. But he still won't be nice to me, and I just start to realize that this is never going to work. He can't see my side of it at all. He can't understand why I don't trust him. He just tries to get me mad or make me cry. So I just decide to drop it all. My brain tells me that I shouldn't do this. I finally found someone who I like to be with and at one point saw myself with for the rest of my life. But my emotions just took over. "I'm not going to let someone treat me like my dad treats women," I repeat over and over in my head.

And now it's been several weeks. I find myself thinking of him almost constantly. I smoke and drink too much. I think "What if we ran away to New York like we always said we would? Maybe it could still work!" but I know what would happen. He would get tired of me, dump me, and then I'd be in the same place I am now, only lonelier and in a bigger city. I ask myself "Why didn't he want me when I was there?" I was right next door and he couldn't have seemed less interested. Maybe he really did love me, but I doubt it. So it is time for me to move on. I hope and hope that we will be together in the future, but I know that that thought is just silly. It's a young woman's fantasy about love and all the magical powers it may posses. We all know how the real world works.

So I sat around for a while, feeling sorry for myself and my life. But it isn't all that bad. In fact, things could be a hell of a lot worse. If anything, this will motivate me to get moving with my life again. I've stalled, but I'll get right back out there. Angie is coming! We will have the best adventures. I will get a better job. I will go back to school. Maybe New York will still be on the horizon, but I'll be doing it for me. Nicki will be in school there, and I can just pick up and leave whenever I damn well feel like it. I did it once and I can do it again.

Well, that feels good. There's really no one here to talk all this out with. It feels good to get it off my chest. Ramble Ramble Ramble.

From www.townhall.com. Oh those conservatives...

2009-09-02T06:48:17Z

The feminist movement’s war on conservatism in America has killed chivalry and trained too many women to think and act like men. As a result, many young conservative women do not know what it means to be a lady. Here is a good definition:

A lady does not tell dirty jokes along with men and she does not tolerate men telling dirty jokes in her presence. She does not swear, and she is not considered “one of the guys.” In spite of new fashion trends, a lady always dresses appropriately, leaving a lot to the imagination. When at a social gathering, a lady does not do things she will regret the next day. Above all, a lady is well-mannered, dignified, gracious, and kind.

Our society holds conservatives to a higher moral standard. When a woman acts like a lady she gains the respect both of men and other women. Besides, why would a conservative woman ever want to be mistaken for a liberal woman?

I have heard many of my male peers place women into three categories: “the ones to mess around with, the ones to date, and the ones to marry.” Though this is a rather crude way of categorizing women, it shows that men do recognize and value the qualities that make a woman a lady. Ladies are the kind of women that men can take home to Mom and Dad and that most men want to marry. Being considered “marriage material” is an indicator that a woman is to be respected; most men who deem a woman as such treat her with the utmost respect. For men, ladies are at the top of the female totem pole, and conservative women need to take pride in the fact that they are worthy of time, love, and commitment...

...As a teenager when I left my parents’ house to go out with friends, the last thing my dad always told me was, “Act like a lady!” At the time, I saw those parting words as a lack of trust, but I now recognize that his words were meant to be in the back of my head the whole night—and they always were. My dad no longer has to remind me to act like a lady whenever I am out; his words are engraved in my heart and mind and constantly keep me in check. It is about time that somebody told all conservative young women to “act like ladies.”

Well damn. I'm just not a lady I suppose.

Delightful commercial

2009-08-28T05:19:47Z

notguilcup @ 2009-02-25T13:54:00

2009-02-25T20:13:59Z

I got the volunteer position at the aquarium! Yay! It was the most fun interview I've ever been on. I can't wait to hang out with more nerds.

Here's some sea-life videos because I'm so inspired.

notguilcup @ 2009-02-06T17:49:00

2009-02-07T00:01:24Z

I've been pretty bad about updating. Sorry! Today, I went on a job/volunteer search all over the city. There are pictures!!

Here's me walking out the door. The front room is coming along nicely.

My first stop was in Pilsen to go to unemployment. There was a HUGE line and it was a pretty depressing place. I have to go back some day at 8:45am for some orientation presentation. I'm not looking forward to that.

Next, I went all the way south to Hyde Park to apply for a volunteer position at the Museum of Science and Technology. It was a pretty sweet museum and I hope they'll let me volunteer there.

Then, I went to the museum campus to go to the Field Museum (Natural History Museum), the Shedd Aquarium, and the Adler Planetarium.

Downtown

Walking to the Field Museum

Sue, the T-Rex

The Aquarium

A man dancing with a fish

The Planetarium

And then a series of pictures walking back home...

Unemployed Post

2008-11-21T18:28:09Z

I wish I had more to share with everyone, but sadly I still have no job. Just been cleaning and taking care of sick Charles. So, everyone enjoy this!

SNOW!!!

Last Night in Chicago

2008-11-06T01:40:45Z

WE DID IT!

It's Election Day!!

2008-11-04T15:06:25Z

Go Vote People! I think you know who the most qualified candidate is in this election...

There will be an involved Chicago post soon

2008-10-04T01:14:27Z

but real quick everyone...

http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn14868-nerds-rejoice-braininess-boosts-likelihood-of-sex.html?DCMP=ILC-hmts&nsref=news4_head_dn14868

I was a part of this study!! I watched the videos and rated the guys for experiment units for my psych 1 class. Hilarious.

We Got The Place!

2008-09-12T00:31:14Z

http://maps.google.com/maps?q=bucktown&ie=UTF-8&oe=utf-8&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a&um=1&sa=X&oi=geocode_result&resnum=1&ct=title

It's so soon, I can't wait! I've been buying scarves, gloves, and hats in anticipation.

Only a couple of hours to Toronto or New York as well :)

notguilcup @ 2008-09-10T00:16:00

2008-09-10T07:17:05Z

EDIT: Thank you postsecret.com and thanks for the tip Chelsea. I think everyone else needs to know this fact as well...

notguilcup @ 2008-07-31T10:07:00

2008-07-31T17:08:10Z

I just took my last final at Davis. I am officially done with college! Chicago here I come! Adventure!!

So I've finally made the decision...

2008-07-15T06:15:46Z

Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope!

2008-06-27T09:43:14Z

I am in desperate need of wisdom.

What is a college graduate to do when she has the means to go and do anything, but not the faintest idea of where and what?

I am avoiding homework

2008-05-27T06:38:44Z

notguilcup @ 2008-04-15T22:25:00

2008-04-16T05:26:40Z

Purchases today:

1. Oxford Dictionary of Biology
2. Bertrand Russel - The Conquest of Happiness
3.

Border's is Wonderful

notguilcup @ 2008-03-30T14:19:00

2008-03-30T21:32:38Z

This week I once again spent money I don't have on books I don't need or have already read. I love new books. I've been feeling particularly nostalgic and so I purchased two of my favorite books from when I was but a child.

Everybody Needs a Thneed

Love it

2008-03-17T07:53:42Z

notguilcup @ 2008-03-09T16:35:00

2008-03-09T23:37:27Z

Here's another one! This one was for Chelsea. She's better at living in Davis than me!

I'm excited about this ocean theme I have going on.

notguilcup @ 2008-03-07T18:35:00

2008-03-08T02:36:49Z

Now that it has arrived to its proper destination, I can post it here.

RAWRRRRR

Whole lotta layers people!

notguilcup @ 2008-02-11T20:41:00

2008-02-12T04:42:05Z

I love this picture of my grandma and me.

What are you, Cack-a-lack?

2008-02-10T18:31:45Z

...We walked along a secret road
And thus could find our way back to the world
Illumined by the sun. We did not care
To rest, but climbed and climbed until we saw
An opening, and through it were laid bare
Eternal beauties that the heavens hold.

And walking out, we saw once more the stars.

This week has been hard. With graduation coming so soon, I was beginning to stress beyond anything I've ever done before. Imposed upon that was this incredible feeling of loneliness. I sent countless emails, calls, texts, comments... anything to reach out to anyone in the world. And on top of that, I once again feel restless and the need to get out of here.

So here comes Friday, and I have to stay in all weekend to study. I'm stressed, lonely, and restless, and inside cramming all weekend. I snapped somewhere around 9pm on Friday night...

But this morning, when I woke up, the sun was shining on my face. It was so warm and nice. Then my dad called saying he was coming to take me out to lunch. Then my aunt sent me pictures of my cousin Emma's 16th birthday. Then I found out I got my job and that I start Monday. Then I cleaned the apartment. And now I just feel really good. I got my studying done, I feel ready for this midterm. I feel like Dante climbing out of that 9th ring of hell, and he looks up, and the first thing he sees are the beautiful stars in the sky.

So bare with me friends for the next few months. I can only anticipate that as graduation comes closer, I will stress out more. But I know it'll be OK. I don't need to figure out everything now. And if I move back home, you guys will still be my friends... right...??

notguilcup @ 2008-02-04T23:10:00

2008-02-05T07:12:02Z

So... I have a job now...

Check out 3dmuseum.org

This is what I will be doing very soon.

notguilcup @ 2008-01-13T20:54:00

2008-01-14T05:02:55Z

BUT! I'm going to San Diego this Friday... Who's on board?

I had a nightmare last night that I was living with Jenny again. Oh god when I woke up in my bed this morning I was so relieved!

Oh and I think my new year is starting off quite well! Although there are no hot teachers, I think I could possibly still enjoy school.

My heart hurts a bit today.

So Beautiful

2008-01-08T07:06:17Z